What to Expect in Your First Couples Therapy Session Using the Gottman Method
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Many couples think about starting couples therapy for months—or even years—before they actually book an appointment. And one of the biggest reasons is that they don't trust the process or they don't trust that someone else will be able to get it. Or, at the very least, they don't know what to expect.
Some may have tried couples therapy before only to find themselves fighting the same fights they have at home, just on a different couch with someone nodding and taking notes instead. So just like I wrote in my article about what to expect in your first individual therapy session, here are some answers to some of the questions you may have about what you can expect from your first couples therapy session if you work with me.
1. Is there anything we need to do before our first couples therapy session?
Nope.
You don't need to prepare speeches. You don't need to remember every fight you've ever had. You don't need to know what your problem is or what to start by fixing. I can help you with all that. Oh, and you don't need to convince me that it's your partner's problem, and I just need to fix him/her, lol.
Just show up!
2. What does the process look like?
Will we have to talk about everything on Day 1?
Will we argue the entire session?
Will the therapist tell us who's at fault?
Do we jump straight into solving our problems?
The answer is: Nope!
We first do a comprehensive assessment of your relationship.
3. What does the assessment look like? And why is it important?
Many couples come in believing they know exactly what the issue is.
Sometimes they're right.
Sometimes what appears to be the problem is actually just the symptom.
So just like with any problem we face, before we even begin to fix anything, we need to first understand what exactly is not working.
I'm a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, and the way I do couples therapy is following the Gottman Method developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman who have spent 50 years conducting research on what makes relationships work and developing evidence-based tools and strategies that create an impactful and lasting change.
The assessment process of the Gottman Method consists of 3 parts:
Oral History Interview: That's your very first session with me.
Gottman Relationship Checkup: You each receive an online questionnaire you complete individually.
Individual Assessments: I meet each one of you separately for a one-on-one session to gather your individual history.
4. What happens during the first couples therapy session? The Oral History Interview
The first couples therapy session actually looks very different from what you would expect from or imagine a typical couples therapy session would be. We won't immediately jump into issues or conflicts and try to resolve them. Instead, we go all the way back to when the relationship started and go over your relationship history all the way till the present moment - and everything in between. This is what we call the Oral History Interview.
Think of it as getting to know your relationship before trying to fix it. Rather than diving immediately into today's arguments, we want to understand your relationship as a whole. It's not just about your weaknesses, but also external factors or life events affecting your relationship as well as the strengths that have helped your relationship survive so far.
You'll tell me what's bringing you to couples therapy (obviously, lol), and you'll also tell me things like:
How you met
What attracted you to each other
How your relationship developed
Major life events you've experienced together
What each of you hopes will be different
So yes, we'll talk about current concerns and how you're both driving each other crazy, but we won't spend the entire session there, and we won't be trying to solve them just yet.
Next, the Gottman Relationship Checkup.
5. What is the Gottman Relationship Checkup?
After our first appointment, you'll each receive a confidential online questionnaire called the Gottman Relationship Checkup, which you will complete separately.
This research-based assessment gives me a much deeper understanding of your relationship than our conversations alone ever could. It looks at many different aspects of your relationship, including things like:
Your friendship
Communication
Conflicts and arguments
Trust and emotional safety
Romance and intimacy
Values and shared meanings or purposes
Individual wellbeing
Strengths
Areas needing attention
This isn't a test. There are no right or wrong answers. There are no passing or failing scores. It's simply a gateway access to what's beyond your spoken words that gives me better insight on how each one of you sees the relationship. That's why it's crucial that you answer these questions honestly and transparently.
You also want to make sure you complete the Gottman Relationship Checkup before your individual session.
6. Why do you meet with each partner individually?
This surprises many couples, but it's one of the most crucial elements of couples therapy!
No, it's not to gossip about the other partner or to take sides. These individual sessions help me understand each partner's personal history, individual experiences, family background, stressors, and perspective. Because whether we like it or not, these experiences shape how we carry ourselves in a relationship; how we receive and perceive our partner's actions; and how we react or handle different situations within we encounter.
So your relationship issues most likely did not begin with this relationship or this specific partner, or at least are not entirely because of the specific problems you think you have with your partner. Your conflicts are an interaction between so many factors at play, and understanding these deeper layers can be very difficult to do on your own. But they are certainly a core factor in resolving these conflicts from the roots.
And when I am aware of each of your individual experience from childhood through adulthood, it's a lot easier for me to connect the dots and detect what the real issue in each conflilct is. Because I can then say, "Oh I know why this is such a huge deal for her. Of course this is going to be a disaster from his perspetive." It just helps me make sense of what's going on between the two of you a lot easier.
Let the couples therapy begin!
At this point, I have a much better understanding of the strengths, weaknesses, and challenges in the relationship. And we can finally start the repair and rebuild process tailored specifically to your relationship instead of applying generic communication advice or just sitting there and watch you fight while I try to decipher these underlying patterns and narratives blindly.
So from there, we have our "Feedback Session," where I share my observations, identify your relationship's strengths and growth areas, and together we build the plan to address your concerns, work on the skills you need to develop, and start healing those wounds that have been festering in your relationship.
This then marks the first step in the repair work!
Because this blogpost is about what to expect in your initial sessions, I won't delve into the remaining of the couples therapy process. More on that in the coming blogpost on the framework we use to heal your relationship!
In a nutshell...
Your first few appointments are about understanding before changing.
Here's the roadmap:
Oral History (together)
Gottman Relationship Checkup (completed individually online)
Individual session with Partner A
Individual session with Partner B
Feedback session and treatment planning
Ongoing couples therapy
Let me know what other questions you have about couples therapy. Share your thoughts in the comments and what topics you'd like addressed!
And as always, if you need someone to talk to, check the services I offer (including intensive couples therapy), and you can always reach out to info@tomoumcounselling.com, call/text 604-800-5154, or book a free consultation.
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