Tick-Tock, When Couples Therapy Is Blocked by the Clock! And Why I do Intensive Couples Therapy

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There’s something uniquely painful about feeling alone when you’re actually sitting next to the person you’re supposed to feel closest to. It may take different shapes or forms, but what remains is that it’s quite the ache! Sometimes it’s yelling, arguing, and fighting; other times, it’s the silence! The distance. The withdrawal. The heaviness in the air.

In my work, often times I see couples reach out after so many fruitless tries — what I like to call “DIY” attempts. If they’re in my office (or Zoom meeting), they’re already drained, exhausted, and battling resentment from years of pain and open wounds.

The most painful thing to watch? Two partners who actually care about each other, who have tried everything they could possibly think of, and have been putting so much effort into making it work, and still … Somehow they end up in the same cycle; the same hole.

Sometimes it gets louder. Sometimes walls go up, and it’s …. Sadly quieter. And bit by bit, open wounds eat away our emotional safety, our appreciation for the other, and our friendship even.

Already?!

When I started off my work, I went about couples therapy the typical way: Weekly 50-min sessions. I can tell you that whenever we started working on the “real beef,” the moments of actual deep pain in the relationship, 100% of my couples left at that 50-minute mark feeling worse than when they came in! The interventions that we needed to unpack, understand, and resolve were cut short! It was awful to witness! Because when there’s a lot on the table.. When trust has been shaken.. When resentment has built up.. When you’re not just dealing with a problem but a chain of patterns and wounds... You need TIME!

Time to talk and be heard. Time to listen and reflect. Time to process. Time to feel your emotions. Time to identify problematic patters and to learn how to do it differently. And you need time to recover from all that emotional roller coaster. You can’t do that work, deeply and profoundly, when you’re peaking at the clock. Or, when you don’t peak at the clock, and be caught off guard in the midst of an internal scream! You open up, you touch something vulnerable, you’re in so much pain… But sorry, it’s time pack it up and leave. See you next week.

No! I hated that! Hated it, hated it, hated it.

So I decided to do it differently. I didn’t invent the wheel. The Gottmans have done marathon therapy for years, but it wasn’t what you find around town! So, I started suggesting longer sessions for my couples. Guess what? They were ALL on board! What does that tell you? I know it tells me that 50 minutes suck for couples therapy!  

Yes, we get to a point when all we need are those 50 minutes, but definitely not at the beginning! Not when we’re gushing so much!

Ready? Try Intensive Couples Therapy

If you’re ready to start doing it differently, this is the kind of work that meets you there. Book it online now! Or learn more about my Intensive Couples Therapy Program here.